Chapter 5. It can never be fixed again.

Fritz is still in Bad Lippspringe in June. His plan to travel to Hamburg to look for his sister Hedwig is causing him anxiety. Fritz doesn’t know how Hede, as he calls her in his letters, and her family have fared or whether everyone has survived.

Germany, 14 June 45  

Darling,  

A depressing day, cold, cloudy, and dark. No mail, either. We are all being infected with the Occupation sickness, that means, you get restless, can’t sit still for 5 minutes, and are generally irritated, and bored with everything, and everybody. I may be able to go to Hamburg in a few days. But don’t tell my parents anything yet, it’s still uncertain, and I want to have been there first. If the news is good, there is always time for it, and if it shouldn’t be, well, we’ll have to see. […] See you later, darling, and lots of love, kisses and hugs. 

Yours always, Fritz 

Fritz departs for Hamburg on 16 June. Seven years earlier, he was forced to leave his hometown because his life was at risk. Now he is returning as a soldier of the victorious powers – and setting off in search of his sister.

18 June 45 

Dearest, 

I just finished a short letter to the folks. The mail went out, and I wanted to give them at least an idea about the main points. I’ll write more in detail later. Things don’t look quite as rosy as I described them in that letter but why worry the old folks. The main thing is that everybody is alive, and only time and plenty to eat can get them over everything else. I’ll write some more details to Wolfgang. I’ll also send him a letter Hede wrote to the folks. But when I read it through afterwards, I decided it would be too much of a shock to them to read it without some sort of preparation. The two girls are terribly sweet, and the four get along together very nicely. All together the trip was very successful, although my stomach is somewhat in the bum today. But that’s only temporary, the excitement, and the news was just a little bit too much. I took some 

pictures, too, which I’ll send as soon as I get them. […] I still have to write to 

Wolfgang, so Sweetheart, until tomorrow. I am with all my love, 

Yours, Fritz 

The letter from Hedwig, the contents of which are unknown to us, appears to have caused Fritz and his brother Wolfgang concern. How can they explain to their parents that which is incomprehensible? Is it even possible to convey what the survivors experienced? And how is Fritz affected by his encounters with the perpetrators of the persecution and mass murder?

10 Aug 45 

My Darling,

What a day. First, the news that the war against Japan may be over soon, and secondly the whole bunch of mail that arrived yesterday, and today.  […] Now, let’s see, it seems to me that there is quite a bit to discuss. About that letter of Hede’s, here is my side of the story. It isn’t meant as an apology, because I don’t think I did anything wrong, but I want you to understand what happened. First of all you must realize the circumstances under which I visited Hamburg. I was pressed for time, and the excitement was so great that we couldn’t do anything systematic. You know how it is; you won’t get around to anything constructive, you just talk. Then at the last minute Hede decided to write a letter. I got away in a hurry, they wouldn’t let me go, of course, and I just took the letter, without looking at it. When I got back, I read it, and saw of course that it was impossible to forward it directly to my parents. That’s why I sent it to Wolfgang, leaving it to him, whether he would ignore it altogether, or – as he did – take out certain parts. But there is another, and maybe even more important aspect to this, one that is hard to explain for me, and even harder to understand for you people in the States. You see, Sweetheart, when you live in danger, or misery, or any other extreme state, you kinda get used to it, or at least it loses most of the effect it has on outsiders.  […] when Hede writes about her experiences, she can’t possibly imagine what an effect it could have on you people, even on mother. Although she knows mother’s mentality, she couldn’t know mother’s present state of health – in the short time I could only give the highlights of the last 7 years – and she may possibly have felt relieved a bit being able to write about it. You have to have close contacts with all those horrors, the terrific bomb attacks, steady fright from the Gestapo, and all the other indescribable miseries. I know a little bit, but only a fraction, what that is all about. At present I see the evidence of those Nazi swine, I talk to these criminals every day, to Gestapo men, concentration camp guards - the female ones are the worst – to Nazi bigshots, and all the other dirty bastards, and I assure you, there is no people like the Germans, such a strange combination of stupidity, resourcefulness and crime. […] So many things have been done by the Nazis, directly and indirectly, it can never be fixed again. […] Darling, I love you so much! More tomorrow. 

Yours with love, Fritz 

During his time in Germany, Fritz not only has daily interactions with perpetrators; he also learns more about the survivors and what they endured. His information is based on more than just his own family’s stories: In a letter dated 27 August 1945, he tells his wife about meeting Czech and Hungarian Jewish women from Auschwitz. He also becomes increasingly aware of his own helplessness. How can one start over after all that has happened?

Berlin, 27 Aug 45 

Sweetheart, 

Thank you very much for your letters of 12,16 and 20 Aug. It was a relief 

to get mail again after three days. […] You know my darling, that those pictures of you in the white dress are the best ones I have. They are wonderful. When I have a job somewhere, I’ll put them on my desk. O.K.? I have a difficult task ahead of me yet. When we were in Bad Lippspringe we went once over to a little nearly town, I don’t know 

whether I ever told you about that, where some people were quartered, mostly girls, who had just been released from a Forced Labor Camp. They were Czech and Hungarian Jews, who had originally been sent to Auschwitz to be exterminated, 

but then were picked as slave labor in an armament factory. They were all in a terrible  

condition, underfed, and illtreated. We gave them some food, part of our rations, 

invited them for dinner to our place, and in general – being the first actual such victims 

we had contacted – tried to be nice to them. Some of them have now written to us – I got a letter the other day – asking us for advice as to what to do, whether to go to Hungary, or America or how to start a new life. I have to answer that letter, but don’t know what to do, or say. Somehow I must be the fatherly type, because why should they otherwise ask me for help. And the worst of it is that I can’t do anything or help them with anything, but some cheap advice. I feel bad about that, but I have nothing else to offer. Well, I’ll figure out something. It may be selfish, but the most important thing for me is to get back to you. Can I help it if I love you so much?

Yours always always, Fritz